Today my brain has been cranking away, it’s been racked and wrung for a little insider information. I’ve been looking for a quiet corner in there – some place where the words are hiding and things make sense – a place where what wants to be said is backed up by real feelings too. There are lots of ideas swirling round, getting down, but somehow they don’t feel right today. I’m trying to find something decent to say, something with congruency, something not too moralistic or high-horsey. And there’s one thought I keep coming back to and so I have to admit it now…
I’m in love with you.
That’s right – you!
If you are reading this blog then you are already identified as a super cool person in my books and I’m sure that whether we know each other or not, that we share something in common. Not that this is a pre-requisite for love – I’d love you anyway.
And no, I have not popped an ‘e’ and nor have I spent my day off tailing pedestrians and trying to catch their eye to confirm this connection to the whole of mankind.
I was pretty much alone all day.
But I know I love you, people of this world, because…
You’re the reason I love to travel. I love to rely on the kindness of strangers. Things work out in foreign lands. Hostels are fun. Camping is fun. It’s all about the people. Conversations make the trip. Cool and kind people exist in vast quantities in every land. It is not like on the news or in the movies. There are not that many arseholes in the world as you would assume if you just sat at home watching TV.
You’re the reason I love to live in foreign lands. You show up and help – even though you don’t have to. You bring fun, we laugh, we hold on and then we both slip back into our own worlds. But I think about you sometimes. Fondly. You teach me that love is not about the best bakeries and that stone walls do not a city make. We come from all over the world but I still know you. We don’t talk too much about tomorrow. We are here today.
You’re the reason work is fun. We catch the bus together, we talk shit, we start and end our day in this ongoing conversation, I look for you at lunch, we laugh, we relate, slowly we crawl in. Now we are outside and we are meeting again. You do my nails, we like on Facebook, we have reunions, you invite me to sunbathe with you at the lake, we go on holidays together, you move into my neighbourhood. We really do stay in touch – these are not just words.
You’re the reason I enjoyed being a teacher. We spent weeks together, we discovered, you got to talk about you and sometimes I told you a little about my life too (sometimes I told you a lot). Maybe you could see me through my H & M suit and the thin mask of being the responsible one? We climbed a fence once to get a better view of the city – that’s when you knew me the best. I gave you my energy and you gave me some back too (sometimes you gave so much it made me want to hug you) and then you gave me flowers or chocolates or some matryoshka dolls or something you’d brought back from your homeland or a scarf because you saw how much I wore them. Or a card with all your words of thanks piled high. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
You’re the reason I like to read and write. And look at pictures and watch movies and watch crap shows like Geordie Shore and Teen Mom (well, everyone else thinks they’re crap anyway). You are interesting. You do strange things sometimes – things that I or the next person wouldn’t do or say, but that’s okay because things makes you you and you find me a little strange too anyway. Like, right now maybe. Why is she gushing? Why is she wearing her heart inside out? Why today? What happened to her? I wonder about you too sometimes and other times I just want to be like you. But more often I just want to talk to you, or be near you, or just know you are okay.
You’re the reason that home is home. I come back again and again and you always let me back in. We know our faults – these become our jokes. But you give me freedom to grow. Sometimes we are growing in different directions and we don’t speak for ages and we think there’s something wrong maybe but then we find out no, actually, everything is okay. We are different but somethings will never change. You always know where I came from and how far I’ve travelled, as I do you. In fact, the longer we are on this earth, the stronger we feel.
Family, my parents, my in-laws, friends new and old, cousins I’ve grown up with, cousins overseas, cousins I’d lost touch with till recently, aunties and uncles, friends of friends who became friends too, neighbours, family friends who’ve been a constant in my life, friends of my parents, high-school sisters, colleagues, ex-students, friends in foreign lands, those I knew only briefly, those I’ve lost touch with, people I follow on Instagram that I don’t even know personally, blog writers that pour out the heart and their humour, strangers on the street that smile and hold doors open and you, M.
… so much love, so much each one gives to make this world a cool place to live in. And not like on the news. When I think of all the loving cool amazing people I know and have known (and will know), my mind goes off spinning into infinity. I feel so rich in friendships and kindness and fun.
So I wanted to say thank you.