I have something to admit. I hate the internet sometimes. I hate it like an alcoholic hates drinking.
This is not the post I wrote yesterday. I wrote something and then I thought ‘should I really?’ I felt uninspired and tired. I’ve got about 8 books I want to read but my mind felt fatigued. Dangerous. Seriously – what mindless thing is there to do on a Monday evening? Yes, I turned on the TV to catch the one show I occasionally watch right now, ‘Dinner Date’ (I mean, besides Revenge, which we watch online). Dinner date is the show I turn to for company when I’m eating dinner alone. After that I flicked to the news (CNN, BBC, CCTV, Al Jazeera etc) and caught a bit of an update on the Ukrainian crisis. Things were going okay (I mean for me, selfishly, not for the Ukranians).
Then I wondered what else I could watch. How bout clips from the Oscars? See, it all started so innocently. From the Oscars I went to interviews on The Wolf of Wall Street, then took a left and found myself at the ‘Jennifer Lawrence – funniest moments’ clips and then, bored of that, started wondering what my old friends at Geordie Shore were doing (Vicky’s lost a ton of weight and is now the proud face of a best-selling work-out video, in case you were wondering). And then just like Jordan Belfort snorting coke out of a prostitute’s arse, the debaunchery ended at a twenty-minute video of what Joel (not even a real member of Geordie Shore) eats in a day as a plug for a body-building protein powder company. Needless to say, the guy consumes a lot of barbecue sauce.
Why? Why? Why?
My eyes cannot unsee what I have seen.
I had books to read!
And I want those hours back!
I had shit to do too (but we all need a break sometimes, right?)
You see, it’s not like I’m fighting this crapness urge 24/7. On Sunday night we went to the gym and on Friday I baked a quinoa and banana slice for fuck’s sake! But then I forget. Boredom can be a dark place.
I think it’s the same feeling as with a slot machine. I keep putting the money in and soon it really becomes only about feeding the machine coins – that’s the addiction. I’d long forgotten there may be a jackpot to win. It feels like mental retardation. I can’t get off the damn machine!
Anyway, I don’t have a moral of the story, except that everyday is a new day. I am writing this to wash that shit away. Usually I won’t write here unless I have something good to say, but today I felt that I needed to write this. I’m reaching out, at the risk of sounding pathetic, because I feel lonely again.
And I’m wondering – does anyone else suffer from this insanity or does everyone else use the internet sensibly?