A Confession of Crapness

I have something to admit. I hate the internet sometimes. I hate it like an alcoholic hates drinking.

This is not the post I wrote yesterday. I wrote something and then I thought ‘should I really?’ I felt uninspired and tired. I’ve got about 8 books I want to read but my mind felt fatigued. Dangerous. Seriously – what mindless thing is there to do on a Monday evening? Yes, I turned on the TV to catch the one show I occasionally watch right now, ‘Dinner Date’ (I mean, besides Revenge, which we watch online). Dinner date is the show I turn to for company when I’m eating dinner alone. After that I flicked to the news (CNN, BBC, CCTV, Al Jazeera etc) and caught a bit of an update on the Ukrainian crisis. Things were going okay  (I mean for me, selfishly, not for the Ukranians).

Then I wondered what else I could watch. How bout clips from the Oscars? See, it all started so innocently. From the Oscars I went to interviews on The Wolf of Wall Street, then took a left and found myself at the ‘Jennifer Lawrence – funniest moments’ clips and then, bored of that, started wondering what my old friends at Geordie Shore were doing (Vicky’s lost a ton of weight and is now the proud face of a best-selling work-out video, in case you were wondering). And then just like Jordan Belfort snorting coke out of a prostitute’s arse, the debaunchery ended at a twenty-minute video of what Joel (not even a real member of Geordie Shore) eats in a day as a plug for a body-building protein powder company. Needless to say, the guy consumes a lot of barbecue sauce.

Why? Why? Why?

Oh, why?

My eyes cannot unsee what I have seen.

I had books to read!

And I want those hours back!

I had shit to do too (but we all need a break sometimes, right?)

You see, it’s not like I’m fighting this crapness urge 24/7. On Sunday night we went to the gym and on Friday I baked a quinoa and banana slice for fuck’s sake! But then I forget. Boredom can be a dark place.

I think it’s the same feeling as with a slot machine. I keep putting the money in and soon it really becomes only about feeding the machine coins – that’s the addiction. I’d long forgotten there may be a jackpot to win. It feels like mental retardation. I can’t get off the damn machine!

Anyway, I don’t have a moral of the story, except that everyday is a new day. I am writing this to wash that shit away. Usually I won’t write here unless I have something good to say, but today I felt that I needed to write this. I’m reaching out, at the risk of sounding pathetic, because I feel lonely again.

And I’m wondering – does anyone else suffer from this insanity or does everyone else use the internet sensibly?

Published by Mireille Parker

My name's Mireille Parker and i love to write. I am here to peace for peace, to love for love and to share what I learn as i wander.

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7 Comments

  1. I know this brand of addiction well. I like that you call it “crapness” lol. I am finding that regular yoga and meditation helps a lot. Sometimes I struggle to get on the mat or sit down at my altar, but once I do it I’m always glad I did. Afterwards I’m more likely to cook something healthy or read instead of giving in to the crapness. It’s not perfect but it’s progress. I’d say the fact that you even notice there is a problem shows that you are awake enough to not turn into a zombie. Thanks for sharing. Love and peace to you!

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    1. Oh God. It’s been so long since you commented. Yes I definitely have my morning practices down but I find it’s getting over that post-work slump is where I falter. I should do some yoga stretches too and I aim to meditate then. This is a reminder now, thank you! If you read the next post, you can see how I recovered from wallowing in my “crapness” shortly after. Thank you for sharing too and love and peace back to you xxx

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